Leading & Learning

Yesterday I woke up to a gloomy, overcast morning. And because of the stress I have been under the past few months, all I wanted to do was close my eyes again and curl up in a ball under the covers. But for some reason, I’m not sure why, I got up and headed to the gym. I remember thinking as I walked in the door, “This is good – maybe a little exercise will jolt me out of this mood.” So I hooked up my iPod and hopped on the eliptical.

Only minutes after I began I heard it. The beautiful song by Alison Krauss, A Living Prayer. Her angelic voice to a soft melody singing… “In this world, I walk alone, with no place to call my home… But there’s One who holds my hand, the rugged road through barren land.” The lyrics began to paint a picture of a Savior who never leaves and always provides strength. “The road is steep… eyes to see… strength to climb.” I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

I can still hear the chorus, the words so eloquently capturing exactly how I felt, “In Your love I find release, a haven from my unbelief. Take my life and let me be a living prayer, my God to Thee.”

How can my life be a living prayer? Why do I allow my unbelief to consume me? I know that His love is a haven, a place to find release. I just need to run to Him, spend time with Him. I get caught up in wanting to control – circumstances as well as people. That is when I feel the road getting longer and darker and harder.

A living prayer? Yes –  moment by moment, by depending on Him.

When I first learned about the “gifts” that were given to each believer in Christ I didn’t quite get it. I understood a gift to be something tangible, something given to another with no strings attached – hence the word “gift.” Right? Wrong! These gifts were spiritual in nature and I couldn’t see or touch them. Okay, I thought. Like the gift of salvation, right? “Yes, that’s it,” I was told by longtime believing friends. So I went on about my business without really putting a whole lot more thought into it. Every once in awhile I’d hear a sermon on 1 Corinthians 12 and I would listen intently, once again trying to figure the whole thing out.

Then, a few days ago, something happened that not only helped me understand this teaching even better, but it left me overwhelmed to tears. I literally saw the gift of MERCY expressed in a magnificantly supernatural way. Let me explain…

As I was getting ready for work on Thursday October 2nd, I received a desperate call from my mom. Her and Dad had just heard from the Doctor about the results of my Dad’s medical tests the week before. He has a tumor on his kidney. Mom was really upset and the only comforting thing I could say was, “sit down and have a cup of tea – try to relax – I’ll call you back in a bit.”

I knew exactly who to call. My friend LeAnne (I call her Le for short) used to be an oncology nurse and now she is a sort of “resident nurse” for our entire church, giving out whatever advice she can and always knowing exactly the right thing to say. She took my call and explained that she was late for a meeting, then heading up to the mountains for a planned church retreat, then coming back down for a funeral of a close friend who had died suddenly only 5 days prior. My immediate thought? Wow! This is a bad time to burden her! But listen to how she responded….

She listened intently while I told her what had happened and tried to explain Dad’s prognosis the best I could. She talked it through with me and told me what she knew about kidney tumors. Then… she committed to going online once she reached the mountains (yes, during the retreat) and calling me back before lunchtime! I responded that that was too much to ask, but she wouldn’t back down from her commitment.  Her commitment alone took me back. I remember thinking in my mind how amazing it was – that she truly has the gift of mercy – I knew that I wouldn’t have ever made that kind of commitment. However, if I didn’t hear from it would be okay. My goodness, her plate was extremely full!

At around 11 am, my cell phone rang. I was in a meeting but saw that, sure enough, it was Le. I asked permission to take the call and she briefly explained the results of her research and gave me several ounces of encouragement at the same time. As I hung up the phone, tears began to flow quietly from my eyes. What a wonderful expression of Christ’s love!

I am so thankful that God has equipped the Body of Christ with supernatural gifts. And that day, and again as I relive it now, I am so thankful for my friend Le’s beautiful expression of her gift. She is my SUPERhero!

Once more, my friend Mr. Ortberg has hit me square between the eyes. As he explains the bondage that this addiction has over many, I suddenly realize that I am right there at the front of the line, looking for a “fix” around every corner. Here are just a few of the signs:

• Feeling hurt by what others think of us.
• Habitually comparing ourselves to others.
• Being competitive in the most ordinary situations.
• A nagging sense that we aren’t important enough, or special enough.
• Being envious of another’s success.
• Trying to impress important people.

So, the question for me to consider is this: “To whom do I belong?” As I ponder this question it seems so easy to answer. “Of course I belong to GOD!” Then why do I long for approval? All my life I’ve longed for the attention of others. Even as an independant and rebellious teenager, I was still searching desperately to belong and be loved.

I am convinced that this is an addiction that is not conquered very easily. It is a “forever-hungry” monster that cannot always be seen by others. I search for approval from my boss, peers, colleagues, husband, son… and even my parents (still!). Rather than focusing on doing what is right, I can become distracted by my desire to gain approval from others. Maybe I’m afraid of standing alone. If everyone is with me, if they approve of who I am and what I’m doing, than I am less vulnerable. Right?

Wrong. Can I seek the approval of the only One who matters and be okay if I am standing alone? I am afraid. Maybe I don’t truly believe that God will give me the confidence I need to carry on. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that He tells me through His Word that I do belong to Him and that He will never leave me or forsake me.

I know I will constantly struggle with this addiction and it may be the source of a lot of my unhealthy behavior. So please pray with me that I can seek to please the only One that matters…